It is over, my embryos did not split as they should there is no transfer. Time to cry and regroup and hold onto
Friends and family.
L.
Friday 27 July 2012
Tuesday 24 July 2012
time is now
Well, the word is in and retrieval day is tomorrow. I have 4-5 follies to transfer and we will be doing ICSI with all of them so I hope they are all healthy and fertilize...In my perfect world they would all be amazing quality, all would fertlize and we could transfer two and freeze the others...so fingers crossed.
I was feeling anxious, not about the procedure as I have been through it before and really don't remember it as I was so drugged up. But I was more worried about the finality of this cycle. We have said that this would be our last kick at the can in the world of fertility and all of a sudden it sunk in that if this doesn't work that's it, that is all she wrote. I expressed this to my acupuncturist and she reminded me that we are allowed to change our minds anytime we want, that just because we have said it does not mean we have to stand by it. We have a choice, I have a choice. Knowing this, being told this has made all the difference the fear is gone, I am going into this process happy and confident.
So tomorrow morning my lovely follies will be leaving my body and onto greener pastures only to return to nestle in to make a baby. :)
L.
I was feeling anxious, not about the procedure as I have been through it before and really don't remember it as I was so drugged up. But I was more worried about the finality of this cycle. We have said that this would be our last kick at the can in the world of fertility and all of a sudden it sunk in that if this doesn't work that's it, that is all she wrote. I expressed this to my acupuncturist and she reminded me that we are allowed to change our minds anytime we want, that just because we have said it does not mean we have to stand by it. We have a choice, I have a choice. Knowing this, being told this has made all the difference the fear is gone, I am going into this process happy and confident.
So tomorrow morning my lovely follies will be leaving my body and onto greener pastures only to return to nestle in to make a baby. :)
L.
Sunday 22 July 2012
plugging along
Still moving along through IVF 2.5, I am feeling much more like myself then I was a few days ago which is a good thing. I feel like I can continue to move through this process with my head up and with confidence.
As for the details of the cycle I am looking at 4-5 follies. I know for many people within the ivf world this is a small amount but for me, because I am a poor responder and I am still trying to get my thyroid levelled out I am pretty pleased with the results.Right now we are looking at about 2 more days of meds and ultrasounds then HCG then possible retrieval on Thursday. I am still waiting for the bomb to drop and someone to come and tell me this cycle is cancelled but I don't think that is going to happen, so I had better get my head in the game and start prepping myself for the upcoming process.
Quick questions for those who are in the IVF world....my cervix is crazy sore this cycle, like even when I am just sitting around...weird or what??
L.
As for the details of the cycle I am looking at 4-5 follies. I know for many people within the ivf world this is a small amount but for me, because I am a poor responder and I am still trying to get my thyroid levelled out I am pretty pleased with the results.Right now we are looking at about 2 more days of meds and ultrasounds then HCG then possible retrieval on Thursday. I am still waiting for the bomb to drop and someone to come and tell me this cycle is cancelled but I don't think that is going to happen, so I had better get my head in the game and start prepping myself for the upcoming process.
Quick questions for those who are in the IVF world....my cervix is crazy sore this cycle, like even when I am just sitting around...weird or what??
L.
Thursday 19 July 2012
not everyday
Update: IVF 2.5 moving forward on day six of my cycle, day four of my injections. Things are moving along well.
However...here is the thing, I can't be at my best everyday and today it hurts. Physically and emotionally it hurts.
The medication is starting to take a toll on me I am exhausted and bruised, I am finding it difficult to put on a happy face and am wanting to cocoon myself in bed. I am scared and frustrated that this is all a big charade where mother nature will say...sorry not for sure but good effort and hand me a participation ribbon. I don't want a fucking ribbon I want a family.
My stomach and heart hurts. Luckily dear ones I am an optimist and I know tomorrow will be better as for tonight I think I deserve a good cry and some sleep.
L.
However...here is the thing, I can't be at my best everyday and today it hurts. Physically and emotionally it hurts.
The medication is starting to take a toll on me I am exhausted and bruised, I am finding it difficult to put on a happy face and am wanting to cocoon myself in bed. I am scared and frustrated that this is all a big charade where mother nature will say...sorry not for sure but good effort and hand me a participation ribbon. I don't want a fucking ribbon I want a family.
My stomach and heart hurts. Luckily dear ones I am an optimist and I know tomorrow will be better as for tonight I think I deserve a good cry and some sleep.
L.
Wednesday 11 July 2012
not today
Well it is negative, not surprising...moving forward...IVF number 3!
lets hope I don't have to convert this time.
L.
lets hope I don't have to convert this time.
L.
Tuesday 10 July 2012
In a good place
Today I had a meeting with dr. E to discuss the ivf cycle that was converted to iui. Apparently my left ovary does not like to respond. This of course is not a good thing. He ordered the AMH test which is common for poor responders like myself.
Tomorrow is test day I am not expecting a positive result but am ever hopeful. If it is a negative result we will move forward with ivf with higher dosage of meds.
The thing is with all if this happening I am good, happy. I even am finding joy in other peoples miracles and pregnancies. Today when I was in the waiting room a woman beside me was handed an ultrasound picture, it was of twins, I felt such a huge amount of joy for her. To watch her face as she looked at her babies filled me up with happiness. I know the road she has traveled, I know this is her miracle and I am so happy for her.
I am now ready for mine.
L.
Tomorrow is test day I am not expecting a positive result but am ever hopeful. If it is a negative result we will move forward with ivf with higher dosage of meds.
The thing is with all if this happening I am good, happy. I even am finding joy in other peoples miracles and pregnancies. Today when I was in the waiting room a woman beside me was handed an ultrasound picture, it was of twins, I felt such a huge amount of joy for her. To watch her face as she looked at her babies filled me up with happiness. I know the road she has traveled, I know this is her miracle and I am so happy for her.
I am now ready for mine.
L.
Friday 29 June 2012
waiting game
Well I am in it now...the two week wait.
Both IUI's went very well, J.T had great sperm count on both days. To be an overachiever which I am we had sex the night of the second IUI and the day after...you never know ;)
So we wait, I am feeling pretty good getting some ovary cramps and not enjoying the progeterone suppositories (they go up the bum, yuck) But i am getting through.
Today was the last day of school so I now have the summer to look forward to. I plan for it to be a relaxing, productive and healthy summer. It will also be the summer I get pregnant.
L.
Both IUI's went very well, J.T had great sperm count on both days. To be an overachiever which I am we had sex the night of the second IUI and the day after...you never know ;)
So we wait, I am feeling pretty good getting some ovary cramps and not enjoying the progeterone suppositories (they go up the bum, yuck) But i am getting through.
Today was the last day of school so I now have the summer to look forward to. I plan for it to be a relaxing, productive and healthy summer. It will also be the summer I get pregnant.
L.
Sunday 24 June 2012
get on the train!
That's right it is time to get on the train...the IUI train that is.
Today the choice was made we are going ahead with the IUI so it is time for me to suck it up and move forward and get a board because who knows this could work.
I got my trigger shot today and we are doing one IUI tomorrow, followed by and acupuncture treatment in the afternoon and one on Tuesday...manly because I have developed two fine looking follicles (that's right i rock) and they figure hey why not, and we agree.
I have decided to take the two days off work, I am doing this for a few reasons.I never took days off with any of my other IUI's I would leave from work get it done and race back to work...not exactly relaxing or stress free. Second I was planning on taking a few days for IVF so why not continue with that plan, can't hurt. Lastly it is the last week of school and with no kids there I won't have to feel crazy guilty about being away.
So here we go folks hubby's sperm in a Cather and me have a date tomorrow am, wish me luck!!
L.
ps. I must admit I am happy that I don't have to jab myself with any needles tonight ;)
Today the choice was made we are going ahead with the IUI so it is time for me to suck it up and move forward and get a board because who knows this could work.
I got my trigger shot today and we are doing one IUI tomorrow, followed by and acupuncture treatment in the afternoon and one on Tuesday...manly because I have developed two fine looking follicles (that's right i rock) and they figure hey why not, and we agree.
I have decided to take the two days off work, I am doing this for a few reasons.I never took days off with any of my other IUI's I would leave from work get it done and race back to work...not exactly relaxing or stress free. Second I was planning on taking a few days for IVF so why not continue with that plan, can't hurt. Lastly it is the last week of school and with no kids there I won't have to feel crazy guilty about being away.
So here we go folks hubby's sperm in a Cather and me have a date tomorrow am, wish me luck!!
L.
ps. I must admit I am happy that I don't have to jab myself with any needles tonight ;)
Saturday 23 June 2012
things don't always come up roses...
It has been a rough couple of days here in our world. Yesterday when I went in for u/s I was only measuring two follies..today, day 6 of my injection,s still the same. I knew it was not good news this morning when the IVF nurse sent the doctor in to see me. I knew it was even worse news when he said "It is never good when i have to sit down with a patient"
Here is the basic gist of things. Follies are not growing as they would like..at this point it has been recommended that we switch to an IUI. The rational is that to pay a huge lump sum of money to get a max of two follies seems silly. Especially since J.T's sperm is good. Of course i was by myself throughout this conversation as J.T had to work and so of course I cried all the way home. It just seems to unfair so much effort and time and pain to end up back at IUI. Will my body just not respond to IVF medication???
I spoke with J.P's wife, who is lovely, as she is a doctor in the world of fertilty and she was nice enough to give me a call and she said her gut would be to go with an IUI this cycle.
So here we are 3000.00 of medication later and we are onto IUI. again. I am sad, frustrated, hormonal and hopeful.
Now I just have to wait until J.T gets home to tell him.
L.
Here is the basic gist of things. Follies are not growing as they would like..at this point it has been recommended that we switch to an IUI. The rational is that to pay a huge lump sum of money to get a max of two follies seems silly. Especially since J.T's sperm is good. Of course i was by myself throughout this conversation as J.T had to work and so of course I cried all the way home. It just seems to unfair so much effort and time and pain to end up back at IUI. Will my body just not respond to IVF medication???
I spoke with J.P's wife, who is lovely, as she is a doctor in the world of fertilty and she was nice enough to give me a call and she said her gut would be to go with an IUI this cycle.
So here we are 3000.00 of medication later and we are onto IUI. again. I am sad, frustrated, hormonal and hopeful.
Now I just have to wait until J.T gets home to tell him.
L.
Friday 22 June 2012
Tuesday 19 June 2012
Day 4 and its a hot one!!
Well here in the Toronto area it is hot!!!! gross hot, humid and unbearable hot. However the heat will not get me down because my second IVF cycle is officially under way!!
On day two we went to the clinic things looked good, levels were good, we got the green light and picked up our meds, $1200 later thank you very much.
Yesterday I started my meds. My regimen of meds at least for the next few days is....250 Puregon and 75 menepur. Last night I gave myself my injections and DAMN forgot how much it hurts!!! However I remember the process pretty well and felt very little nerves about jabbing myself. I guess that is the bonus of the second IVF cycle.
Here is my med cart, with sharps container and everything. It will be my new night time friend for the next 10 days or so :)
L.
On day two we went to the clinic things looked good, levels were good, we got the green light and picked up our meds, $1200 later thank you very much.
Yesterday I started my meds. My regimen of meds at least for the next few days is....250 Puregon and 75 menepur. Last night I gave myself my injections and DAMN forgot how much it hurts!!! However I remember the process pretty well and felt very little nerves about jabbing myself. I guess that is the bonus of the second IVF cycle.
Here is my med cart, with sharps container and everything. It will be my new night time friend for the next 10 days or so :)
L.
Saturday 16 June 2012
Day 1
Day 1 has arrived right on schedule, thankfully cramps are not to bad. Will call soon to make my day two ultrasound and then medication starts on day three.
I am currently sitting in the waiting room of my doctors office/walk in clinic. Have to get a refill of my anxiety/OCD meds as doc is going away on vacation. Really this is the last thing I want to be doing as I am going to the baby shower this afternoon and would way rather be sleeping in and hanging out with my dog. Of course it takes forever at the walk in clinic so I know I am going to end up rushing home to walk the dog a find something to wear that I I feel half decent in.
Such is life...hoping I will be in and put soon and then off to the baby shower when I am going to put my best good forward to enjoy the day.
I am currently sitting in the waiting room of my doctors office/walk in clinic. Have to get a refill of my anxiety/OCD meds as doc is going away on vacation. Really this is the last thing I want to be doing as I am going to the baby shower this afternoon and would way rather be sleeping in and hanging out with my dog. Of course it takes forever at the walk in clinic so I know I am going to end up rushing home to walk the dog a find something to wear that I I feel half decent in.
Such is life...hoping I will be in and put soon and then off to the baby shower when I am going to put my best good forward to enjoy the day.
Friday 15 June 2012
nails, weekend and ocd
So the week is over. I am only two weeks away until summer, i love the students i work with and adore work husband JP but I need a break from all of them. I need time to spend with my house, my dog and my man JT. I need time with myself. I know the lack of routine will be challenging for me but i am sooooo looking forward to it.
I have OCD, to be exact anxiety-depression with OCD, a nice mix of mood disorder. My OCD comes in the form of obsessive thoughts and worries and will often physical manifest itself in skin picking, gross. So with the stress of IVF coming up, the end of school, and working on my own school work I am stressed. My OCD is going bonkers!!! my skin is not looking so good :( To combat this I have decided to treat myself to some gel nails, i did it this afternoon and they look lovely! i feel so feminine with them and the bonus is i cant pick :)
This weekend I am going to a baby shower, yes a baby shower an event most of us struggling with fertility loath or feel saddened by. The shower is for my oldest friend S I have known her since I was a baby, we have grown apart as the years have gone by, as people can do,but the bond still exists. Plus our mothers are best friends. So i am going to put on my best brave face and a pretty skirt to go with my pretty nails. I am going to smile when I see her with her beautiful belly, ohh and ahh at baby gifts and save my tears for when i am alone. It is such a strange emotion going to these evens for those I love. I am truly happy for them, filled with joy but a piece of me aches so much it feels like a huge deep burning hole.
So that is where i am at, this is my Friday. Good night friends.
L.
I have OCD, to be exact anxiety-depression with OCD, a nice mix of mood disorder. My OCD comes in the form of obsessive thoughts and worries and will often physical manifest itself in skin picking, gross. So with the stress of IVF coming up, the end of school, and working on my own school work I am stressed. My OCD is going bonkers!!! my skin is not looking so good :( To combat this I have decided to treat myself to some gel nails, i did it this afternoon and they look lovely! i feel so feminine with them and the bonus is i cant pick :)
This weekend I am going to a baby shower, yes a baby shower an event most of us struggling with fertility loath or feel saddened by. The shower is for my oldest friend S I have known her since I was a baby, we have grown apart as the years have gone by, as people can do,but the bond still exists. Plus our mothers are best friends. So i am going to put on my best brave face and a pretty skirt to go with my pretty nails. I am going to smile when I see her with her beautiful belly, ohh and ahh at baby gifts and save my tears for when i am alone. It is such a strange emotion going to these evens for those I love. I am truly happy for them, filled with joy but a piece of me aches so much it feels like a huge deep burning hole.
So that is where i am at, this is my Friday. Good night friends.
L.
Tuesday 12 June 2012
the pain of other peoples joy
When someone close to me tells me they are pregnant or gives good news of a positive ultrasound. I feel a certain amount of joy for them, however I must admit that the feeling of jealousy and sadness over rule the joy. I have seen so many people in my life get pregnant, enjoy their pregnancy and then have a beautiful baby. All the while I have been trying and waiting for my turn to be pregnant and hold a child of my own.
Today a close friend JP and his wife went to their ultrasound, this lovely man and his wife have suffered through 3 miscarriages. Today in their ultrasound (an ultrasound at 7-8 weeks as she is an obs-gyn doctor and could get in very early) they found twins, one had died and one was alive and healthy. Even though it is sad regarding the one twin the idea that their baby was healthy has left JP beaming, rightfully so. I am happy for them but selfishly I feel sad that is not me. Am I alone in this?? Am I horrible??
In terms of my own IVF process,Chiro and acupuncture are going well. I actually love my acupuncture 20 minutes of just lying quietly by myself. It is lovely. So lets go body, lets get this show on the road!!!!! I am ready to do this!!!!
L.
Today a close friend JP and his wife went to their ultrasound, this lovely man and his wife have suffered through 3 miscarriages. Today in their ultrasound (an ultrasound at 7-8 weeks as she is an obs-gyn doctor and could get in very early) they found twins, one had died and one was alive and healthy. Even though it is sad regarding the one twin the idea that their baby was healthy has left JP beaming, rightfully so. I am happy for them but selfishly I feel sad that is not me. Am I alone in this?? Am I horrible??
In terms of my own IVF process,Chiro and acupuncture are going well. I actually love my acupuncture 20 minutes of just lying quietly by myself. It is lovely. So lets go body, lets get this show on the road!!!!! I am ready to do this!!!!
L.
Saturday 9 June 2012
Back to the world of blogging
I am not new to the world of blogging nor to the world infertility. As you can see to the right of this post it has been quite a journey. I use to post under http://www.fertilityadventure.blogspot.ca/ however this was an address that all of my friends and family knew about and with this upcoming IVF I would like a little more privacy. Feel free to go and give it a read to get caught up.
So where am I now? Currently I am on day 20 of my cycle I will be starting my second IVF on day 1 of my upcoming cycle..so I am about 8-10 days away from the wonderful world of daily monitoring, hormone ups and downs, jabbing myself with needles and irrational thought and I am so excited!!!
I feel really good about going into this cycle. I am doing a short protocol and am also doing chiropractic adjustments and acupuncture. I figure since this may be our last try go big or go home.
I am happy to be back blogging again :)
L.
So where am I now? Currently I am on day 20 of my cycle I will be starting my second IVF on day 1 of my upcoming cycle..so I am about 8-10 days away from the wonderful world of daily monitoring, hormone ups and downs, jabbing myself with needles and irrational thought and I am so excited!!!
I feel really good about going into this cycle. I am doing a short protocol and am also doing chiropractic adjustments and acupuncture. I figure since this may be our last try go big or go home.
I am happy to be back blogging again :)
L.
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